2. They use big words to make themselves sound smarter. It is the eldest ploy in the tome.
3. They can’t form real words until they’ve got at least one pot of coffee in them.
4. Their characters do all these truly insane things like jumping off mountains and finding dead bodies and shooting live ones. They write as if they’ve done all this wild stuff and experienced all these exciting stories and visited so many exotic places, but they really just sit at home on their computers with their coffee as they type in addresses on Google maps.
5. They are extremely protective of their computer, and should you actually gain access to their private technology monster (which only happens once every Blue Moon) it’s impossible to use because all the letters have been worn off.
6. Too many TV mysteries. Enough said.
7. There is a butt dent in the sofa/chair/loveseat/whatever they sit in all day every day, but only their butt fits into it, so it is impossible for anybody except themselves to be comfortable.
8. Their characters are literally everywhere (and I mean “literally” literally). They’re on the bookshelves, under the tables, in between the sofa cushions and lots of other places you’d never expect to find a character lurking.
9. If some important government program ever searches their Google history, I’m pretty sure their entire family would all go to jail.
10. They are the world’s biggest introverts and will do anything humanly possibly to stay in their aforementioned chair. Wanna go to the park? No, it’s too hot. How about the movies? It’s too cold. Can we go grab some dinner? That takes too long, just find something in the pantry. The house is flooding and we have to leave before it grasps us in its liquidy embrace! Suck it up, I’m sure you’ll live.
Tina Whittle is a mystery writer living and working in the Georgia Lowcountry. Her current novel, Blood, Ash, and Bone — the third in the Tai Randolph/Trey Seaver series — is available now. The fourth book — Deeper Than the Grave — debuts November 2014. Visit www.tinawhittle.com to learn more